I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
