A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
