good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
