I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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