I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I need moral support for this bender
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
