All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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