I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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