i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
