my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she pinky promised me she was 18
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
