I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There r osticjed everywhere
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
