You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
