im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
