I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
