Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
