Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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