Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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