True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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