does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
