every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
