I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
