I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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