They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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