The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
