Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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