He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
