I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
