I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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