Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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