Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My ass is underappreciated
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
