So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I believe in your delicious
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
