if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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