did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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