You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dicks are not precious.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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