I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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