I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
