too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
