woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
