Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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