I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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