my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
