Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
