i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm too high and old for this...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
