Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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