I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
