I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
