booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
