The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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