i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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