I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
