Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
