hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
